Office Depot Live Chat #1

I work.  I have a job.  I'm employed.  I gotta pay the bills, you know?  I have mouths to feed.  Sometimes my job takes me on the road but more often than not I go into the office and I sit at my desk.  I do the usual stuff. I send emails. I deliver work product.  I sit on conference calls.  Sometimes these conference calls drag on for hours.  I have a short attention span so I often look for ways to entertain myself.  On one of these occasions I went on the Office Depot live customer service chat to see if they could assist me with some shopping.  What follows is a transcript of this online conversation (and yes this really happened):

 Thomson : Hi, my name is Thomson . It will be my pleasure to assist you today.
 You: Hi Thomson
 Thomson : Hi Scott
 You: Is Thomson your last name? or first?
 Thomson : Welcome to office depot
 You: Do you ever go by Thom?
 You: am I getting too informal?
 Thomson : Sure, No problem at all
 Thomson : It is my first name
 You: That's a cool name!
 Thomson : Thank you, Scott.
 You: So Thom, I am a 78 year old man. I just retired
 Thomson : Great!!!
 You: Against the wishes of my family I am putting my nest egg in a new restaurant
 You: as kind of a retirement activity
 You: We bought everything to outfit the kitchen and the restaurant itself
 You: but I am taking care of some odds and ends
 You: I like to buy in bulk
 Thomson : That would be great
 You: One thing my grandson was saying is I need bathroom supplies
 You: I don't think I need plungers in bulk
 You: but my grandson says The urinal cakes will go quick
 You: I don't know anything about these
 You: I guess they are by the urinal and you have them as a snack after you go?
 You: what flavors do you have?
 You: can i buy a palette of them?
 Thomson : Sure, Scott. I will check that for you 

 You: BTW please call me Lieutenant, you can also call me Chief, Boss or Lieutenant Scott
 You: I served in Nam and that's how my friends address me
 You: and you seem like a good guy thom, a guy I could call my friend
 Thomson : Sure, Lieutenant Scott.
 You: so how about 'em urinal cakes? what flavors? and what quantities can I buy in?
 Thomson : I am searching on it , Please bear with me
 Thomson : Please have a look at the item Rochester Midland Non-Para Urinal Toss Block, Berry Scent, Blue, Pack Of 12  (Item# 604739)
 Thomson : We do have pack of twelve
 Thomson : This is the maximum quantity that we do carry at present
 You: So it says berry scent
 You: does it taste like berries too?
 You: are these cakes good?
 You: the whole eating in the bathroom thing kind of weirds me out
 You: but my grandson says everyone has them
 Thomson : Yes, That is very good it is the flavour
 You: Amazing!  I have a few other questions scribbled here let me type them out
 You: in the meantime where are you located thom?
 You: where is your office?
 Thomson : I am really sorry, We do not have access to provide those kind of information, Lieutenant Scott.
 You: I understand, wink wink
 You: you're in an undisclosed location
 You: you are obviously a valuable asset to office depot
 You: we can't go giving out your address to everyone
 You: you probably get a lot of fan mail, right?
 You: you help people all the time
 You: I am sure you get a lot of thank you notes with women's perfume on them
 Thomson : Thank you , That is also true.
 You: I knew it!
 You: ok next question
 Thomson : Sure, Go ahead.
 You: My grandson was telling me about this new phone that was "blowin up" as the kids say it
 You: the samsung galaxy note 7
 You: If it is this popular, I figure, why not make this my primary work cell phone
 You: Do you have any of those phones

 Thomson : Yes, You can keep it as a primary phone
 You: and you sell these in your store too?
 Thomson : One moment please, I am checking on it
 Thomson : Yes, We do sell the Samsung Galaxy Tab® 4 Tablet, 7" Screen, 1.5GB Memory, 8GB Storage, Android 4.4 KitKat, White Item # 492526
 You: That's a tablet Thomson
 Thomson : Yes, It is available in stores
 You: I said the Galaxy NOTE 7
 You: You tryin' to pull one over on me boy?
 Thomson : Okay, Let me double check that
 You: Can you accept gifts?  I would love to fly you out to my grand opening of my restaurant
 You: We can share some berry scented urinal cakes
 You: everything, the whole trip - on me
 You: I'll spare no expense
 You: fly you first class
 Thomson : I am sorry, We do carry Galaxy note 4 at present we do not carry Galaxy NOTE 7
 You: I wonder why such a popular phone would be out of stock
 You: anyway
 You: What do you say
 You: can I fly you out to my restaurant?
 You: it's in new york city, the big apple
 You: I'll put you up in the hotel chelsea
 You: that's where sid vicious died of a tragic drug overdose, but don't worry
 You: they cleaned up that mess a long time ago
 Thomson : Sure, If I find some spare time, I will definitely visit you restaurant
 You: You can even bring your best girl
 You: Ok, what airport are you departing from?
 You: I'll buy an open ended ticket
 You: you can come whenever you want
 Thomson : Sure, Thank you
 Thomson : However I appreciate your goodness
 Thomson : May I be of any further assistance?
 You: Yes
 You: I have a lot more questions
 You: but before we get to those I am on United Airlines website
 You: buyin your ticket
 You: where are you departing from?
 You: I don't need a day or time, just the location
 Thomson : I am sorry, I will not be able to provide personal information through this chat system
 You: my email address is
 You: please email me later tonight
 You: I'll make that all happen
 You: Thom, I am not sure how to ask this question
 You: But are you a robot?
 Thomson : I am a chat agent and a real person
 You: Thom, I had a few head injuries in the war, so I am going to have to ask this again, just to be sure
 You: Were you sent from the future to kill me?
 Thomson : No not at all
 You: Phew, ok
 You: what a relief
 You: Now, listen
 You: I want to recommend you for a promotion
 You: do you have a unique employee ID
 You: I can reference so i can recommend you
 Thomson : You can have this chat transcript for reference
 You: amaze balls!
 You: ok Thom, now put yourself in my shoes
 You: it's the end of the night
 Thomson : You can share you experience and recommend me for a promotion once this chat session ends
 You: you had a great night in the restaurant
 You: you don't want to record all of the money you made because then you will have to pay taxes on it

 Thomson : Thank you
 You: so what do you do? you have two books
 You: the book you show the IRS
 You: and the other book where you keep the real numbers
 You: Do you have any ledgers
 You: I will need 2
 You: one for the real earnings, and one for the fake ones
 Thomson : I am sorry, We do not carry any item like you described
 You: understood, no ledgers
 You: So my Grandson is a bit old school, do you have any abacuses
 You: He says only losers use calculators
 Thomson : Please have a look at the item Learning Resources® 2-Color Desktop Abacus, 1/2"H x 9 1/2"W x 8 1/2"D, Multicolor, Grades Pre-K - 8 Item # 321917
 You: amazing!
 You: Thomson, do you sell band aids with sponge bob on them?
 You: I am also looking for a bean bag chair, but I don't want those tiny squishy balls in there. I am looking for a beanbag chair filled with shards of glass
 Thomson : Sure, I will check that for you
 You: do you carry those?
 Thomson : Please have a look at the item Band-Aid® Brand Flexible Fabric Bandages, Assorted Sizes, Box Of 100  (Item# 865843)
 You: do those have sponge bob on them
 You: Or Patrick
 Thomson : We do carry these variety of band aids only 

 You: Mother F****R!!!!!!!!!!
 You: Ok
 You: sorry
 You: i lost my temper
 You: Thom, have you ever had to stab a man in the head with a bayonet?
 You: Back in the war I did that once. I have nightmares about it.  It was our platoon chef.  He made some real awful Salisbury steak.  I didn't want to do it. But it was for the good of the unit. You know? You understand right?
 Thomson : I do understand
 You: I have nightmares about it sometimes.  I was going to take some Xanax to fall asleep last night. These visions were floating through my head.  They weren't working as well as they used to so I took 10
 You: but then I realized I took flomax by accident
 You: and I peed the bed
 You: I peed it real bad, Thom
 You: The misses was not happy
 You: No sir
 Thomson : Okay, May I know if you any queries related to office depot
 You: yeah, sorry I got off topic
 Thomson : Please let me know
 You: ok
 You: Thom....
 You: Do you love me?
 You: I think I love you Thom
 You: I've never felt this way about another man before
 Thomson : The purpose of this chat is for customer assistance with Office Depot related queries.  If there are no questions related to Office Depot, this chat session will be terminated.
 You: Thom, I thought we were friends
 You: I told you I was going to fly you for free to new york
 You: with your lady friend
 You: and give you a free hotel
 You: and free dinner
 You: I don't think you are being very appreciative
 Thomson : If you need further assistance, we're available to chat with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Thank you for choosing Office Depot.
 Thomson has disconnected.


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